Rant #4: Is That Anxiety Knocking?
Could we all make a little room please? Fibromyalgia… can you move down one? Chronic Pain, shift over. Chronic Fatigue, slide your chair to the right. Degenerative Disc Disease… move back. Perfect.
Welcome to the group, Anxiety… have a seat.
So Apparently, I Have Anxiety
Nope, didn’t expect this one.
As you may have gathered, I live with an abundance of daily pain. Funny thing though, I can handle that. I’m used to my pain, I understand it… I know why it’s here. I have my tricks on how to manage my pain.
Sure, my chronic pain and fibromyalgia can be annoying and disheartening.
Of course, it can be confusing and brings me down from time to time, but it’s been with me for 20 years now. We have an understanding; we’ve built a relationship. I can handle what my pain throws at me.
But when I was told I have anxiety, I couldn’t believe it. That piece doesn’t fit into this puzzle that is my life, my personality… me.
I don’t feel anxious. I’m not overly worried about things. I would say I’m an easygoing, relaxed person. I can handle a disruption to my life just as well as the next person.
Except now, I feel flustered and can’t seem to get this idea of anxiety out of my head.
My daily routine has changed.
My thoughts, emotions, and coping strategies have been thrown off balance.
I am more aware of my body sensations than ever before, and I don’t want to be.
This anxiety. We do not have any relationship. I do not understand it, nor do I welcome it. This anxiety has been intrusive, demanding, and overwhelming.
I want it to leave.
My anxiety has forced me to reflect on my past year and figure out what went wrong, what broke inside me.
Maybe writing this post will help me figure it out.
2022 Was Supposed To Be Better
If you didn’t know already, 2021 sucked for me. As the year progressed, my physical and mental health became broken, battered, and bruised.
But with the New Year approaching, I was optimistic that 2022 would be better.
We spent Christmas in Cancun with family, my back pain returned to its normal pain level and the government had postponed the start of school by a week.
It had been two months since my last anxiety incident, as I am calling it. As I mentioned in my previous post, it just doesn’t feel right to call it a panic attack. I am not in immediate danger, there is no obvious threat to my life.
It seemed like I was back on track.
But a month into 2022, my anxiety made its presence known.
I mean, how could I ignore it… it was like one of those machines endlessly hurling balls at me. Except I didn’t have a racquet. There was no way to protect myself… no way to stop them from hitting me at every angle.
I felt helpless.
I went back to my doctor, and before I could even explain what was going on… I burst into tears. It was obvious… there was no need to explain. She could see it for herself.
I took the depression and anxiety questionnaire again, the same one that, 4 months ago, said I was fine.
This time, the results were indisputable.
I Think I Might Break
It was obvious that these anxious thoughts, feelings, and terrible body sensations were not going to leave anytime soon. They had dug their heels in and created an impenetrable wall around me. It was impossible to get away from them.
The culmination of what my physical body went through in 2021 impacted my mental health more than I realized.
Now… I had nothing to do but acknowledge it, make amends, and pray that it would leave.
And can we just talk about these body sensations for a minute?!
What is up with the bombardment of immediate and overpowering sensations?! Why can’t it just be one… maybe two at the most? Why, when anxiety strikes, does it affect every part of the body?
When my anxiety surfaces, I feel instantly lightheaded and dizzy. Sometimes the dizziness and nausea are so intense that I feel I might get sick or fall over.
An intense warm wave rushes over my body and my mouth is dry like a desert.
My heart pounds with fear and there is a sharp pain in my chest. That one is the worst.
Sharp pain in my chest… are you kidding? Why on earth does my body’s defense mechanism against perceived danger think that sudden chest pain is the best way to protect me?
I can tell you right now, simulating a heart attack does not calm me down.
I had no idea THIS is what people meant when they said they had anxiety!! Give me a fibro flare–up any day. I’m sure many of you would disagree, but the devil you know…
When these terrifying feelings surface, I feel helpless, frightened, and overwhelmed.
How am I supposed to manage these feelings? How am I supposed to persevere through this? At this point, I had more questions than answers.
Broken And Ignored
No wonder this old lady body of mine passed the buck to my mind. It already deals with so much… chronic pain, fatigue, and fibromyalgia. How much more was it supposed to take?
It couldn’t support the huge pile of stress bearing down on it. My mind was screaming for help, and I couldn’t hear it.
Looking back, it’s no wonder I broke. Despite what my physical body went through, I ignored the signs. Why is it so blatantly obvious after the fact?
It’s not difficult to know when our physical bodies are in pain. It’s easier to tell and we know what to do about the pain. Rest, ice, heat, painkillers, hot bath, massage, physical therapy… the list goes on.
But why can’t we recognize when our mental state begins to shake?
I should have recognized the stress my body was under, especially after I panicked in Greece. Living with chronic pain for so many years, I know everything in the body is connected.
But it’s like I had blinders on. I ignored the obvious connection between my physical and mental health.
I thought I could handle the stress being capitulated at me from every angle. But I was wrong. I wasn’t strong enough for this one. I was unprepared.
I see that now… and I will not make that mistake again.
You Can Do This
Determination took over. I was willing to try anything possible to figure out what went wrong and what I needed to do to fix it.
I wasn’t ready to accept anxiety as it pounded at my door, but I knew my mental health needed a coping strategy toolbox of its own.
And because my chronic pain demands so many coping mechanisms to make it through the day, I knew one strategy just wouldn’t be enough.
I was determined to find and use as many techniques as possible to shut this anxiety up.
In my exhaustive search, I discovered numerous ways to tackle anxiety.
Thankfully, many of the strategies I found have made a difference in reducing the intensity or length of my anxiety incidents.
My Anxiety Toolbox
After being diagnosed with anxiety, I wanted to find the best and most effective coping strategies that I could.
I knew I needed an anxiety toolbox that I could rely on whenever my anxiety started to pound at my door.
WEIGHTED BLANKET: The extra weight helps calm nervousness and anxiety, so I purchased this 12 lbs weighted blanket and I LOVE IT!
ESSENTIAL OILS: I have been using the Pain Release roller for my chronic pain and fibromyalgia from Saje Wellness for years. So I was more than happy to try the roller from their Stress Release line to help calm my anxiety.
DARE RESPONSE App: This app helps people overcome anxiety, worry, panic attacks, and insomnia using an evidence-based approach. Honestly, I rely on the DARE app any time an anxiety incident approaches.
PUZZLES: During one of my anxiety incidents, I noticed I was able to calm myself sooner with this distraction.
MEDITATION: The Soothing Pod app has different categories of short meditations, including one for beginners and for easing anxiety.
MENTAL HEALTH LINE: When my anxiety needs more help than just the above coping strategies, I will call the Mental Health line. They offer people support during a panic attack or anxiety incident.
As I live in Alberta, Canada, I called the Mental Health Line with Alberta Health Services at 1-877-303-2642
Mental Health resources if you live elsewhere:
Canada Wide Mental Health Servicesat 1-833-456-4566
Mental Health America at 1-800-273-8255
Check out this post for more info: My Anxiety Toolbox.
Talk It Out
In addition to the above, I wanted to see a psychologist. After my accident, a psychologist helped me deal with the anger, sadness, and loss of independence I felt.
Therefore, I was confident that one could help with the feelings of anxiety and the state of confusion I found myself in.
I believe in the benefits of talking through my thoughts and feelings. It can help to understand what’s going on and move past a difficult situation.
There was no way they could screw me up any more than I already felt! It was worth a try.
Luckily, I found an amazing psychologist, Dr. C, whom I could see in person. This was important to me, as I started seeing a different therapist earlier online, but it was difficult to make a connection. You know… Covid.
Once I explained the past year and everything my body had been through, she said it was no wonder I had anxiety.
She explained that once our physical bodies feel maxed out… the mind takes over. And mental stress and fatigue can come out through the physical body. This made sense. I instantly liked and trusted her.
I am just beginning the talking-it-out portion of my journey. But, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am on the right path to healing whatever broke inside me.
Wish me luck!
Stay tuned for more updates!
