Rant #2: Dear Diary, 2021 Sucked
Like many of you, we thought (and hoped) 2021 would be better than 2020.
How could it be worse, right?
The world had been consumed by a global pandemic. People were dying from Covid, couldn’t visit their relatives and forced to quarantine. And the global economy was in a constant state of flux.
With the start of 2021, we were hopeful for the future.
There was a new vaccine available to help stop the virus from causing so much devastation.
Businesses opened and schools were back to in-person learning. Countries slowly started to allow tourists again and the economy was improving.
I’m not denying that 2021 had its moments, we were able to see our families and embark on our travels again!
But there is another side to my story. The honest side of how 2021 kicked my ass.
So. Many. Hospitals.
While I appreciate the turmoil that 2020 threw at the world, for me… it was 2021 that did a number on my physical and mental health.
Within the span of 6 months, I visited a hospital emergency room 6 times. Yup. And I didn’t have Covid.
This body of mine was put through the wringer.
To start off, I had a very bad reaction to the vaccine in April. I had read about the possible side effects but didn’t think it would hit me that hard.
It was bad, so we went to the ER. Thankfully, the effects faded after about 8 hours, and I went home.
Ten days later, I woke up at midnight with what I thought was a heart attack. My chest was in unbelievable pain, and I was dizzy.
It scared Gavin and me, so we called for an ambulance. They hooked me up to an ECG and were concerned enough to take me to the hospital. Doctors performed numerous tests, and they all came back normal.
It turned out to be costochondritis, an inflammation of the cartilage that connects ribs to the breastbone.
When I got home, I looked it up… and found out that this condition mimics a heart attack. Hats off to fibromyalgia for that one.
In late May, I broke my foot while visiting my parents for the first time in a year. They put me in a boot, and I was instructed not to take it off until my next x-ray the following week. Really? Not even for a bath?!
That one is on me… my gut was telling me differently. But I didn’t listen. Big mistake.
Shortly after, a pain started in my heel and increased substantially over the next few days. The pain was so excruciating that it woke me up every night.
When I finally removed my sock and boot for my x-ray, I discovered mold on my foot. What?! Off to the emergency room we went.
How is this happening? Who gets mold on their foot?! And why did I not listen to my gut?!
Things just kept piling up. I felt like my body was slowly dissolving, despite all my efforts to keep it together.
Find The Strength
For those who don’t know, going to a hospital during Covid meant going alone.
Gavin was not allowed to sit with me in the waiting room. He was not allowed to hold my hand.
When I was taken by ambulance, he was told to wait at home. He was up all night with our puppy son, Leonardo, just waiting to hear from me.
I completely understand and respect why visitors were not allowed in hospitals during Covid. Nevertheless, it made my experience that much more frightening.
Having to go to the hospital during the pandemic was overwhelming and scary at times.
I cannot imagine how difficult and terrifying it must have been for those individuals who required additional care. Or for their family members to pray at home that everything would be alright.
Luckily, I never needed to stay overnight. But each time I went to the ER, I had to find the strength within myself to do it on my own.
With each health scare I experienced in 2021, the invisible stress on my mental state was starting to pile up.
Each visit tested my strength and chipped a little piece off me, slowly breaking me down. I didn’t know it at the time, but I see that now.
And the story doesn’t end there…
Trouble In Paradise
No… not between Gavin and myself. The paradise I’m referring to is the gorgeous country of Greece.
We had been desperate to travel after being stuck at home like the rest of the world in 2020. So, when Greece opened its borders in the summer of 2021, we flew there as soon as school was done.
Despite the gorgeous waters and scrumptious food, our trip to Greece and the islands of Milos and Sifnos ended up being more than we bargained for.
Greece recorded its hottest summer in 43 years. And in case you’re wondering… this old lady body of mine detests the heat, in every way possible.
After struggling through days of over 40 degrees Celsius, I succumbed to heat exhaustion.
That was followed by my first panic attack and another trip to the ER.
Meanwhile, catastrophic fires raged throughout the country, both on the islands and the mainland. Due to the intense heat, firefighters were struggling to keep up. The fires were growing uncontrollably.
Continuing our trip did not seem like a smart idea, especially after watching the skies turn black near our hotel in Areopoli. It was difficult to get updated news in English and we were frightened.
Ultimately, we cut our trip short and headed home.
Here We Go again
After our ordeal in Greece, we were happy to be home. In September, teaching started up again and normal life resumed.
By mid-October, it had been 2 months since my panic attack in Greece. It seemed like I was in the clear.
I spoke to my doctor about what happened. She had me fill out questionnaires about anxiety and depression. But I did not fall into these categories.
She did a physical exam and sent me for bloodwork and a mammogram. Everything came back normal.
What happened in Greece was strange, but we chalked it up to experiencing extreme fear. Just to be sure, she referred me to a specialist and ordered an x-ray of my chest.
As I stood in front of the x-ray machine, a warm sensation washed over me. I told my body everything was fine, but it wasn’t listening.
Suddenly, I felt dizzy and lightheaded. My heart was pounding and the intense pain in my chest had returned. What was going on?
When I got home, I took an Ativan. My doctor had prescribed them as a just-in-case measure. But it didn’t work.
After trying, unsuccessfully, to calm myself for two hours, I needed help.
Thankfully, my neighbor was home. As she opened the door, I broke down. Tears everywhere… I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t letting up. So, you guessed it… back to the ER we went.
The doctor asked about my history and listened to my symptoms. He believed it was a vasovagal response. This was new.
Apparently, vasovagal syncope is when you faint because your body overreacts to certain triggers. But I didn’t faint, was this really it?
Again, I just crossed my fingers that it was another fluke attack. Maybe subconsciously, I had a small fear of the x-ray room. The last time I was there had been when I discovered mold on my foot.
Made sense… Let’s go with that.
Over the next few weeks, I had a couple more incidents. It didn’t feel right to call them panic attacks anymore.
It’s not like when I panicked in Greece. There was no unbearable heat, no raging fire… it was winter in Canada for crying out loud!
By early December, I was feeling better and had been incident free for over a month. It felt like my bad luck of 2021 was finally turning around. Wishful thinking, I suppose.
While trying to figure out my new health issues, I was still dealing with my old issues: chronic pain and fibromyalgia.
Honestly, I think they felt ignored and they were determined to let me know it.
My mom had been sick for weeks and was getting worse. No, it was not Covid. However, she was admitted to the hospital on December 3rd. Two days later, they made their point.
For the next 2 and a half weeks, I struggled to survive a huge fibro flare-up.
For those who don’t know, this is when the regular pain and fatigue you experience significantly intensify. It can last a couple of days to a few weeks. This made everyday activities even more challenging.
Although I tried to push through and keep working, this became impossible. The more I pushed, the worse it got. I was completely exhausted and worn down.
Sleeping with this much pain was hard, and walking was difficult.
If I sat or stood for too long, I would get electric shocks firing from my low back down my legs. My legs on their own were constantly numb and tingling. I had a sharp pain in my lower rib, and it hurt to breathe.
I tried every trick I had to survive this fibro flare-up… but it was no use.
All I could do was lie down, rest, and wait for the pain to subside.
Please… You Can Do This
As if that wasn’t enough, we were flying to Cancun to spend Christmas with our families.
It would be our first Christmas together since Covid. It would also be the first time we spent Christmas outside Canada… and my first time in Mexico. We had been excited about this for months!
Problem was… I didn’t know how this old lady body of mine would make it.
The pain didn’t seem like it was going to let up. It was so bad that we tried to cancel the trip. I honestly didn’t know how I would survive the flight and a full day of travel.
But we were informed that if we canceled, we would lose our money. So, as I willed my body to cooperate, we headed to the airport.
We did what we could to manage my pain… and somehow, I made it. Broken but in Cancun.
For the next 3 days, Gavin and my sister would help me wobble to the buffet and down to the adult pool.
Luckily, we were able to rent a full bed on the pool deck, away from other guests. That is where I stayed for most of the week.
By the 4th day, my back was feeling better. I was finally able to walk down to the ocean and put my feet in the sand.
I had heard people say that Cancun had the softest white sand and the most gorgeous turquoise water. They weren’t wrong!
I was happy I could finally enjoy it.
The rest of the week was relaxing, and we had a fantastic time with our families. I was so thankful that my flare-up had ended. Without a doubt, it was the longest flare-up I have had in years.
Looking Towards 2022
The past year had been extremely challenging, both mentally and physically. And although I made it through… it was a huge reminder of just how fragile my body is.
I don’t say that for pity, as I honestly don’t know if anyone will read these posts.
Instead, I say it to remind myself that I need to take care of this old lady body of mine. She has been through a lot over the years, and I want to ensure she will make it through many more years to come.
Unfortunately, my values, and where I chose to put my energy, were skewed and off balance.
One big takeaway from 2021 is that my health needs to be a priority above all else. If my body is kicking and screaming in every way possible…I need to listen.
I need to find the strength to step back from the areas of my life that drain me. I need to be honest with myself about what makes me happy and how I want to live this life.
It can be difficult to make big decisions that are outside of the socially accepted norm… but I can feel a change is needed.
I just need to find the strength to make it. Wish me luck!
Stay tuned for more updates!
