Rant #1: Dealing with My Chronic Pain Confusion
Battling chronic pain, degenerative disc disease, fatigue, and fibromyalgia for years has left me in a state of confusion.
Damn This Pain
As I sit down to write this post, I am in a crazy amount of pain. My body aches. I’m talking about my entire body!
Every inch of me hurts… areas that I wouldn’t think to have pain, do. Like my knees… why are they sore? And what’s up with the pain in my biceps?!
The usual areas of pain in my body are intensely fired up and angry.
My entire back and neck feel like a bulldozer ran over them and then they were used for boxing practice. My legs are numb and tingly… like I am someone’s personal needle cushion.
Oh… and let’s not forget about the never-ending electric shock waves that constantly fire in my low back and down my legs.
My body is outraged. It is throwing the hugest temper tantrum and I am not listening.
For some reason, I have construction worthy, noise-cancelling headphones. What’s wrong with me?
20 Years & Counting
It has been 20 years since my car accident. I was hit by an impaired driver. One bad decision for him, one lifetime of pain for me.
Learning to live with this much pain has been a struggle.
It has been 20 years of doctor appointments, physical exams, and a lot of medication. That is 7,300 days of physiotherapy treatments, stretching, conditioning, and exercises.
Immediately after the accident, I was going to physio 3 times a week… for over a year!
And we can’t forget about my massage therapy treatments. This is where I go to relax and experience the “good pain” of healing. Those of you with chronic pain, know what I’m talking about!
Plus, I am not going to wake up magically healed one day. This constant pain is going anywhere, anytime soon!
Still Blessed
Let’s not forget, it was a miracle that I survived that accident. I still feel truly blessed to be here today.
I have met countless inspiring and compassionate people along my journey who were not as fortunate as I was. Many have lost family members and friends to this selfish and senseless act.
Over the years, I have put in a lot of hard work with my doctors, specialists, physiotherapists, and massage therapists (or my angel, as I call her).
My body improved as much as it could. And it did a tremendous job, allowing me to live, love, work, and travel the world.
The road to this point, however, has been painful and difficult, with many challenges and setbacks along the way. But I persevered.
I am not a complainer. I almost pride myself on not being one… to the point of being overtly stubborn, as my husband reminds me.
But for those living with chronic pain and fatigue, you know what I’m talking about. IT’S. NOT. EASY.
I fear the time of making significant progress has come to an end. The improvements my body made since the accident have not only stalled in recent years, but have now taken an immediate, and very sharp, downward tumble.
Always Smiling
On the outside… I look great! I am a naturally happy person, who smiles… a lot. Of course, it took a while to find my smile again after the accident, but that is another post.
Nevertheless, let me tell you that my stupid grin has misled people to think I’m always happy and healthy!
To be fair, it’s not like you can start a conversation with, “Holy @*#!?, my whole body is vibrating with pain today! I can barely stand for 3 minutes before I feel like my legs will give out from under me. And sitting down just sends shocks through my spine. Oh, and the noise of this room is so irritatingly loud that I want to punch someone in the face! How’s your morning?”
Nobody loves a Negative Nancy.
Thus, over the years, I limited the amount I shared about my pain. I never lied about… I just wouldn’t go into detail.
Don’t get me wrong, my family and friends have been more supportive than I could have imagined. However, there is only so much they can take, or listen to, also.
Enter: my big smile.
And… I must say, because of my positive nature and personality, many people have no idea how much I suffer. Nevertheless, the time had come that they knew the truth.
Admit My Weaknesses
In January 2021, I had a very honest conversation with my supervisors about my health issues.
I explained that not only do I live with chronic pain and fatigue, but I also suffer from degenerative disc disease. This is where the discs of my lower spine have worn down over time so there is no cartilage left in between the discs.
Despite numerous methods to try and relieve my pain, including horrible cortisone shots that did nothing except exacerbate my fear of needles, there is nothing else to be done.
I must modify my work schedule or be willing to attempt spine surgery in the future. This is our last resort.
Oh… and then I had to explain that, on top of all that, fibromyalgia dictates everything in my life. Unfortunately, not too many people know what fibromyalgia is.
I did my best to explain what it is, and how it, and my chronic back pain, affect every single activity of my day-to-day life.
Thankfully, my supervisors were as understanding as they could be. And funny enough… they did share that they had no idea the extent of pain that I was in because I am always smiling and look so happy.
Struggle With Limitations
Ok, let me back up a bit.
Up until a couple of years ago, I grinded it out five days a week. Five days of teaching is a lot, and it has become more and more taxing on my body the older I get.
This profession demands so much from my body – physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Not only do I need enough energy to mentally teach a lesson and know what I’m talking about, but I also need to move around the classroom assisting students.
This doesn’t even include the expectations of supervision, after school meetings, and parent-teacher interviews, etc.
It was becoming too much. My body was breaking down.
I just couldn’t physically do it anymore, despite all the specialist and physio appointments I was attending. Sometimes, rehabilitation is like a job on its own.
So, I started taking one day off in the middle of each week to help my body survive long enough to make it to Friday afternoon. Yeah… survive.
That’s literally what it was becoming. How can I survive until the weekend?! The two days off each week where I need to relax, rest and recoup, just so I could do it all again the following week.
Although this strategy did help my physical body, it left me feeling incredibly guilty.
As I mentioned above, chronic pain and fibromyalgia are not conditions you can “see”. Although my co-workers were supportive, I felt guilty for not being able to put in as much time as they did.
While all of this was going on, I was referred to yet another doctor, my spine specialist, as I call him.
Slowly, I was beginning to recognize that, to maintain some quality of life, I needed to accept the limitations that this old lady body was demanding (yup, that’s what I call her). However, up until this point, I had ignored her pleas.
Then COVID hit and the world went into lockdown in early 2020.
Quality In Quarantine
Alright. I’m just going to say it. My old lady body LOVED quarantine. And when I say loved… I mean, grinning from ear to ear, head over heels, giddy like a schoolgirl, overjoyed and deliriously ecstatic!
I HAD NO IDEA I COULD FEEL THIS GOOD!
Was I stuck in a dream?! What had I been missing? I had no clue my body could be like this!
It was like I was a new person! My body was in heaven! Despite still teaching (online, of course), my body began to do things I didn’t think I could do anymore.
I was able to get 9 hours of sleep each night. When I woke up, I wasn’t crying in pain.
I was able to join my husband on walks with little Leonardo, our puppy son! And I’m talking about a proper walk through the park, not just down 6 houses and back.
Some days, I was even able to manage a walk in the afternoon and the evening… what?!
After a month of online teaching, I was able to start doing yoga again!
Yes… the exercises I was supposed to be doing a couple of times each week to increase my core strength to support this old lady body but couldn’t because of all the pain I was in… yes, those!
I was even able to dial back some of the medications I was taking!
My physical body gradually began to feel stronger and healthier, and consequently, my mental health improved as well. I felt like I was a new and improved version of myself.
The limitations I thought I was forced to accept seemed to melt away with the spring snow.
As soon as the school year ended, we were able to leave for our summer in British Colombia. Usually, after school ends and before our yearly international travel begins, my body needs at least 5 days to rest before jumping on any plane.
Of course, it was the year of COVID, and there were no international flights, but we were able to start our Canadian road trip immediately!
I was on the uphill again, improving day by day, and perhaps becoming the strongest I had ever felt.
I was hopeful that I would be able to maintain this amazing new quality of life that I had grown accustomed to over the past 6 months. My body was loving every minute of it!
Reality Check
Nope. Spoke too soon… Time to wake up. Back to reality.
In September 2020, the school was back in session and my beautiful dream of a new stronger me almost instantly disappeared. The intense pain and fatigue hit me like a brick wall. I was back in survival mode.
My hopeful feelings of a healthy quality of life for myself seemed again, out of reach.
I immediately began taking my day off once a week again to try and survive.
Sadly, I found myself secretly wishing that we would go back online. And because COVID was very much a reality, we did go back online.
But these weeks of online teaching were short-lived, and I was back in the classroom, in pain, exhausted, and worn down.
I Need A Change
Finally, in January 2021, I took my spine doctor’s advice. He wrote a letter outlining my need for a modified schedule and what that entailed. It was a blessing.
After I spoke with my admin, and gave the letter to HR, the guilt and anxiety about taking my Wednesdays off melted away.
I was able to use those days to attend doctor appointments, physio, and massage. Whatever was needed, in addition to just resting.
It seemed like a new era had begun for me and I was determined to work my four days a week for as long as possible. Instinctually, I gave this modified schedule a time frame of at least four years of success.
Boy, was I wrong…
Are You Listening Yet?
As I finish this post, it is December 2021. So yes, it has only been one measly year of this modified schedule and my body is still throwing its temper tantrum.
I don’t get it. I did what it wanted, why is it still complaining? Why can’t I do this for a few more years? Why does it have to be so hard?
I’ll tell you why… it’s because four days a week is still too much for this old lady body. I need to remind myself that I began taking a day off each week over a year before COVID hit.
Honestly, the note was two years too late.
During these past few months, I have struggled more than I have any other in my teaching career of 13 years.
My body is wanting a change… actually, it is demanding it! I need to stop being so stubborn and listen!
Lessons From Quarantine
I’m sure I could make a blog post on this topic alone, but I will leave that for another day.
It’s time to pause, breathe and reflect.
My time during quarantine taught me that it doesn’t have to be this way. I don’t have to live in continuous, debilitating pain day after day after day…
This old lady body is insisting that I treat her with the love and care she discovered was possible during lockdown. I don’t have to feel so beaten down and broken.
So why do I have such a difficult time listening?
Right now, my pain is in control of my life.
But the truth is, it doesn’t have to be. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, I just need to courage to walk through it. I must trust my heart and tell my head to shut the @*#! up.
My physical, mental, and emotional health deserve it. It’s time to prioritize me… and that’s ok. It’s just amazing that it took a global pandemic to realize it.
Stay tuned for more updates!
